" I'm proud of the way I ended the year and brought in the new one. I hugged a bunch of total strangers, I drank too much, I tried new things.. I wasn't myself and I loved it. I want that new girl to come back.. She's fearless!! "

I wrote this after New Years last year.
That fearless girl died.
She's gone.
And all that's left is a broken girl who just wants to cry all the time.

Last New Years, I was with friends, drinking, talking to strangers, having fun.
This New Years, I'm going to be alone, completely sober, with nothing but my thoughts.
This has been a bad year. And I'll probably sit up and see it end, just so I can put it behind me.

Oh, don't worry.
My feelings aren't hurt at all.
It's not like I'm your daughter or anything.
Whatever.

I found a video of the group of us from last year. We were having so much fun and being really stupid. Watching you in it made me want to cry. You were so happy, we all were. The thought of you not coming back kills me inside a little bit.

You're a nice guy and my Mum really likes you.
But just know, if you ever do anything to fuck it up, I will rip shit and come down on you like a tonne of bricks and every other metaphor you can think of.
'kay?

Last year, the week before Christmas, I spent hiding at Aunty Liz's house. I was hiding from my family problems. I couldn't face them. I couldn't face anyone. So I fought back the tears and tried my hardest to kept up my strong front.

That was a year ago.

During that week I got told that it was alright to feel. It was alright to not be strong all the time. For the first time, I was able to just let it all out. I finally had people I could trust.

Ever since then, I've been a changed person. Not that scared girl. That quiet girl at the back of the room. That girl who tries to please everyone.

Ever since then, I've started to find out who I am.

A year ago, I wouldn't have thought that this is where I would be in my life.

Things are a lot different now, and that's good. Things are better, happier. So many good things have come out of what has happened. But with the good, comes the bad. That's part of it, I guess.

But looking back, there isn't much that I would change. I'm liking finding me. My mum is happy.

Things are good.
And we deserve it.

You know what's scary?

If it's true, the last time I saw you will be the last time I ever see you.
The last hug will be the last ever hug.
It's hard to get over.

I wish I had known how to say goodbye better.

This wasn't how my year was supposed to go.
It wasn't fair, Fate. What did I ever do to you?
I'll let it slide this time.
But if you put me through hell again next year, I will tell you where to shove it.
You got that, Fate?
I WILL come after you.

You just don't get it.
I'm pushing this because it is important to me.
But you are just ignoring it.
You made a promise and didn't keep it. Again.
I din't want a repeat of last time, when Marty was around.
I like doing stuff just you and me but now Tony is here nearly everyday.

Everything is just screwing up. But you aren't noticing.

So,
He writes a pathetic, halfass letter and everything is forgiven?
What the fuck.

Apparently what happened last week meant nothing and it was just normal behaviour.

You might be able to forgive and forget.

But not me.
I hold grudges. And I will NEVER forget what he did.

I broke down last week. It was bad. It was scary.

I think it even scared mum.

But I didn't tell you about it.

I didn't think you would care.

I got that feeling again when I saw you.
Goddammit.
-_-

This year hasn't been fair.
Not fair at all.

All I want is an apology from you.
You didn't just hurt her.

I'm not saying an apology would change anything, it would just be nice to get one.

"I agree with the above posters, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. And if he really doesn't love you, that's his problem because I'm sure you are a wonderful young woman. Hang in there, someday he'll be the one having the regrets. The regret that he wasn't the father he should have been."

To the person who wrote this, thank you. It means more than you will ever know.

I can't go out there again. It doesn't feel right anymore.
I got my hopes up last weekend. I thought he would be there, and he wasn't.
It hurt, alot.

I'm not going to go back out there.

-Closes that chapter of her life-

Even though we don't talk a whole lot now, I still like to randomly remind you that I love you :D

Sometimes, I just want to be invisible.

I closed my eyes and went back to that night. It was happening all over again. And it felt so real. I could almost feel the way the ground moved everything underneath and around us, the sound of everything that we thought was solid being moved and the sight of the flashes as the powerlines were ripped from their power supply. It was terrifying. Even just revisiting it again nearly three weeks later. My heart is still racing.

For once, I wish I could hear someone say I was beautiful and mean it.

I was thinking about it today.
And I realised something.
During the earthquake, for the first time that I can remember, I was your priority.

Going to Auckland, just us, is gonna be awesome!!

It’s been nearly 3 weeks since the earthquake.

Tonight will be the first night I will sleep by myself.

I’m scared.

This is good. I like this. It's just like the way it was.

I think it's cool that you felt you could come here. You needed someone to talk to and you turned up on our doorstep, not knowing how we would react, but doing it anyway. Everyone needs someone to talk to. And now you know that you can come here.

I felt safe with you. With you protecting me.

For once, you actually acted like a dad.

I miss you.
We don't talk anymore.
But even if we did,
I wouldn't know what to say anymore.

"Here's to the kids.

The kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of coke & Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party.
Here's to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them.
Here's to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars.
Here's to the kids who never were too good at life, but still were wicked cool.
Here's to the kids who listened to Fall Out boy and Hawthorne Heights before they were on MTV...and blame MTV for ruining their life.
Here's to the kids who care more about the music than the haircuts.
Here's to the kids who have crushes on a stupid lush.
Here's to the kids who hum "A Little Less 16 Candles, A Little More Touch Me" when they're stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night.
Here's to the kids who have ever had a broken heart from someone who didn't even know they existed.
Here's to the kids who have read The Perks of Being a Wallflower & didn't feel so alone after doing so.
Here's to the kids who spend their days in photobooths with their best friend(s).
Here's to the kids who are straight up smartasses & just don't care.
Here's to the kids who speak their mind.
Here's to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep.
Here's to the kids who second guess themselves on everything they do.
Here's to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that.
Here's to the kids.
This one's not for the kids,
who always get what they want,
But for the ones who never had it at all.
It's not for the ones who never got caught,
But for the ones who always try and fall.
This one's for the kids who didnt make it,
We were the kids who never made it.
The Overcast girls and the Underdog Boys.
Not for the kids who had all their joys.
This one's for the kids who never faked it.
We're the kids who didn't make it.
They say "Breaking hearts is what we do best,"
And, "We'll make your heart be ripped of your chest"
The only heart that I broke was mine,
When I got My Hopes up too too high.
We were the kids who didnt make it.
We are the kids who never made it."



"Here's to the crazy ones.

The misfits.

The rebels.

The troublemakers.

The round pegs in the square holes.



The ones who see things differently.

They're not fond of rules.

And they have no respect for the status quo.



You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them,

disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.

About the only thing you can't do is ignore them.

Because they change things.



They invent. They imagine. They heal.

They explore. They create. They inspire.

They push the human race forward.



Maybe they have to be crazy.

How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?
Or sit in silence and hear a song that's never been written?
Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?

We make tools for these kinds of people.



While some see them as the crazy ones,
we see genius.

Because the people who are crazy enough to think
they can change the world, are the ones who do."

"Evil will never find peace. It may triumph, but it will never find peace"

"You don't love a girl because of beauty. You love her because she sings a song only you can understand."

"People die . . . so love them every day.
Beauty fades . . . so look before it's gone.
Love changes . . . but not the love you give.
And if you love, you'll never be alone."

"Even when we're apart, we'll be looking at the same sky!"

Treen thinks that we might not need eachothers friendship anymore..

I really hope that's not true..

"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

This person is my hero.

Now I know that you guys would move heaven and hell for me. I really love you two.

No matter who says it,
being told you are pretty in any form is smileworthy.

" Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. And yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four, or five times more? Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless... "

Has something happened?
Or have we just grown apart?
Because we haven't been close for weeks...

Adults always ask, "What do you want to do when you leave school?"
Well, I know what I want to do.
I want to go. Just leave everything and everyone behind and start again.

I wish people would just pretend that I didn't exist.

I miss you. We don't hang out much anymore. We don't really talk much anymore...

My way of dealing with things is to obsess of something. At the moment, it's the Vampire Diaries. On my laptop, I had the entire first season of it and I watched it everyday so that I didn't have to think. When the laptop broke, I couldn't watch it. I had to think. The laptop broke on Wednesday last week, I had a breakdown on Friday morning.

I depend so much on my obsessions. I need them.

It might seem crazy, and it probably is.

I have the laptop back now, and I feel okay again. I can go back to not thinking, to not feeling.

Thanks.
Thanks for talking to me on Friday.
It really helped.
I needed it.
I know that I can always go to you because you understand.

I think I miss you..

It's all real now.

And I'm scared..

I can't believe you are actually considering it.
Don't act like you aren't.
I can see that you are.
I know it's your life, but you could at least wait a few months.
I want you to be happy.
But how about being happy like this for a while.

What kind of person am I?

Why can't I be beautiful?
Why can't I be intelligent?
Why can't I be confident?
Why can't I be wanted?
Why can't I mean something to someone?
Why can't I have talent?
Why can't I stop feeling guilt over things that were out of my control?
Why can't I be worth someones times?
Why can't I have a place to belong?
Why can't I find it within myself to face my problems instead of hiding behind silly little obsessions?
Why can't I shake off this feeling of complete sadness?
Why can't I stop feeling alone?
Why can't I just be happy?
Why can't I be perfect?

And sometimes,
Why can't I be dead?

What kind of person am I?

Madd,
I know haow you feel.
I could use a hug about now too.

I want to meet up with you and see you again,
But I want you to think of it.

There's something, I'm not sure what it is, that is making me want to just curl up in a ball and cry. Cry like I haven't in a long time.

I want you back in my life,
but I don't know how to get you there..

For some reason I'm hanging on your every word,
waiting for you to text me and not liking it when you don't,
trying to keep the conversation going,
and wanting to get back that friendship we had when we were 5..

Thanks for remembering me.
Even if the girl you remember isn't quite there anymore.

Hello Past,
I had a feeling you would catch up with me eventually..

All I want to say is ..

Sorry I wasn't a better granddaughter..

You know what?
When I said that, I had actually forgotten you had been there that day. And I'm not "Very Into It And I Admire It." I'm not a pagan. I have no religon. I don't believe there is a god or a goddess or anything, just life and death. Occasionly I like to get tarot readings or rune readings, but that is about it.
And I wasn't treating you like you were stupid, I actually genuinely thought that you had no idea what I was talking about because most people just look at me like I'm a tard when I do or say things like that.
But as for not liking my "new attitude", there is no new attitude. I haven't changed. That was all put on because I did think your new attitude would work with my old one. I have never acted that way before. But being with you and hearing about all your new friends and all the stuff you do made me seem boring. I felt like I had to do someting so that you would be interested.
But apparently not.
Maybe next time we just shouldn't hang out, because this seems to happen every time.

I want to tell you.
I want you to know.
I want you to make it better.

But I can't tell you.
And I can't ask that of you.
Because it isn't fair to you.
It isn't fair for you to have to do it.

So I will stay quiet.
And hopefully I will just get over myself and move on.

"It's none of your business."
"It doesn't concern you."

I keep hearing these words coming out of your mouth, but I'm failing to understand how what you are saying is true.

Today is going to be a good day. Everything so far has been amazing. After the shitty week I've had, today is the best day ever! I am so happy :D
Nothing can top today.
Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy.

I went and saw you.
You were so frail and shakey.
You had trouble talking, and you spoke so quietly.
It was hard seeing you.
I can see why Dad thinks you may not make it to the end of the week..

You're very sick. I haven't seen you in almost a year. I know I should go and see you in hospital, because Dad doesn't think you'll be around much longer. He said that if I went, if you knew who I was, you would love me for it. But I just can't bring myself to go. I'm scared of how bad you will be. I don't know what to expect. But I feel bad for not going. I'm your only granddaughter. And I bet the boys have gone to see you. Mum has said I don't have to go. That it's better to remember you the way you were not the way you are now. Papa and Aunty Carolyn agree. But I still feel bad. Because I will probably end up seeing Grandad. If he's still in Dunedin next weekend, I'll probably go down there with Dad. But only because I know that you are worse than him. That he will leave the hospital. You might not. But I do think that it would be better to remember you the way you were. Back when I would walk around in your high heel shoes pretending I was all grown up. Or fishing in the creek even though there weren't any fish in there, only the odd duck. It's those things that I will remember.

It's getting real now.

We get our stuff on Saturday.

We've looked at houses.

It's getting very real.

Today I met my spirit guides. Well, kind of. I didn't actually meet them, but I found out who and what they are. It was cool. I also got to see some of Treen and Vicky's spirit guides talking through them. It was soo cool! It was amazing to see the difference between them. I have 5 spirit guides. I have pictures of 3 of them in orb form.
My spirit guides are cool. I have:
Jafar the Dragon for Healing.
Seraphina the female Vampire for Divination.
Gimlock the male Vampire for Protection - And he's feisty!
Pythagorous the Fawn is my Teacher and Spiritual Guide.
And Sharaina the Forest Nymph is my Gatekeeper.

In the orb pictures I have only Jafar, Gimlock and Pythagorous sow themselves.

I was really excited when I found out.

Treen says that they showed themselves to me in the pictures because I wouldn't go to my Garden to meet them and they got sick of waiting LOL.

Now, that probably sounds like I'm crazy HAHAHAHA.

I didn't think it would hurt this much.
It all happened so suddenly.
One minute everything was fine, and the next we are leaving and not coming back.
I feel sick and numb.
My family is falling apart again.

Fuck.
I thought the feeling came back.
It lasted a split second.
Then it went away :)
But it still made me happy to talk to you on Facebook.
And it made my day that you found me on Twitter and started following you.

Maybe I didn't waste my time liking you, because you know I'm there :D:D

I don't know what's wrong.
I'm gone.
I can't find me at the moment.
I don't sleep, I don't eat, I don't smile, I don't live.

-isdead-

Don't wait for me to do it, because I'm not going to.

I'm over this shit.
I'm over trying to talk to you.
I'm done.
I will talk to you with a tone, I'll be as shitty as I want for as long as I want.
Why should you care?
You don't care about anything I say anyway.
So no big deal right?

I saw a movie yesterday..
Here's some stuff about it:
There's a whole bunch of vampires.
Some have yellow eyes, some have red.
The main vampire's name is Edward.
He doesn't age.
He doesn't hunt humans.
He's looking for a subsitute for human blood.
He meets a human lady, and starts to like her alot.
He drives a fast, expensive car (it's not a Volvo though).

Oh! And this Edward is 35, not 17.
But he's not bad without a shirt :):)

Think I'm talking about Twilight?
Hahahaha..

I'm not.

Daybreakers.
It's really good.
Go see it!

Aside from the similarities it has with Twilight, it has alot of differences.
Like:
The vampires can't go out in the sun or they die.
Edward, the main guy, turns into a human again (weird).
There are hardly any humans left, and those who are left are well aware that they live in vampire world.
The vampires can sleep and eat and aren't very strong.

It's a vary cool movie if you like that sort of thing.
But if you can't handle alot of blood and gore, I wouldn't go ;D

She told me that the first time we met properly, I came across as very lonely.
I would like to say that I have changed, but in a way I don't think I have. Yeah, I have friends that I love to pieces and a big family. But some days, you just get to this point where nobody else is around, or they just don't get how you feel. My mother and father and step-father have no idea how emotionally fucked up I am because of them.

But no matter what,
I will always answer "good" when someone asks how I am.
Always put on a happy face even when I'm in the worst mood.

Can anyone help me?

She just wanted me to tell you..
Thanks for wasting her time.

Everything was so much easier when we were little. I miss those days. The days when you would do something just to get a sticker on your sticker chart. When instead of passing notes or just gossiping, you would pretend your pencils were people and play the pencil game. When you would get told off for swapping lunch. When cartoons were the best. And you weren't afraid to be yourself.

This Is A Story Of A Girl - New ending in bold italics.

Once upon a time, there was a young, unhappy girl. She could've been pretty if she smiled a bit more. She had her father's eyes though she hated to admit it. She didn't like to talk about him much. Not after he left her and her mother when she was younger. When he left, the girl's mother met someone else. At first, the girl didn't mind him. He was nice. Then the girl's mother and her new boyfriend decided to move to his hometown. This was the first of many moves the girl would have in her life. The girl's father encouraged the move to the new town. Well, that's what the girl's mother said. He wanted to make room for the new man in the girl's mother's life. At the time, the girl was too small to understand it. So off they went.
They moved into the new house in the new town, the girl got settled into her new school and made new friends. Things were great. Then the three of them moved to a farm just outside of the town. She thought things were good. But then the mother packed the girl up and they moved back to their old town, leaving the boyfriend behind. They moved back into their old house, the girl went back to her old school and saw her old friends. The girl was happy. The girl's mother, however, was not. After a short period of time, the mother decided to move back to the new town and try again. She got back with her old boyfriend. Again, the girl was happy. But she was oblivious to most things because of her age. She had no idea what was going to happen in just a few short years.
The mother and her boyfriend were together for a while, but then he went away for a while. He went to Africa for a few months. He came back though, and then things went back to the way they were. He went back to Africa once more, just like the last time, and came back just like the last time. The girl's mother was waiting and when he got back things went back to the way things were again.
After a while, the girl and her mother moved again. It was just to a new house this time. They settled in and the mother's boyfriend would come and stay sometimes. But then something happened, the girl can't remember what, and the mother's boyfriend stopped coming round. The mother was unhappy. The girl, oblivious. She was still too young to see what was happening. A while later, the boyfriend stated coming round again, just for visits this time. Then his parents paid for him to take a trip to Canada. And although they never said it, both the girl's mother and the boyfriend knew that they did it to get him away from her. While he was gone, the girl's mother looked after his house. During one of the times that they hadn't been together, the girl's mother had discovered that the boyfriend had met someone else.
Once they were close again, she found out that he had sent the other lady flowers. So while he was gone and she was looking after his house, she went through his mail. She didn't find anything, so she let it go. When he came back, they parted ways as friends. Later that year, the girl and her mother were in town one afternoon. They saw the boyfriend and he looked unhappy. The mother then had idea. It was nearing Christmas. She asked the girl if it would be okay with her if the boyfriend came and had Christmas with their family. The girl said yes. So the boyfriend came to Christmas with them. But the mother and the boyfriend were keeping something from the girl. They were looking at houses. They wanted to move back to the old town. They didn't tell the girl until they had found a house they wanted. They took the girl to show her the house. It was a dump. She hated it. She sat in the car crying. She didn't want to leave her friends, not again. But they moved anyway.
The girl started at another new school and had to make more new friends. After she finally settled in, things were okay again. Then one weekend she went to stay with her Grandparents. When she got home her mother said that her and the boyfriend had something they wanted to ask her. They sat down and asked her what she would think about them getting married. The girl was surprised. She said it would be great. So that was it.
A few weeks later they set dates for everything, and in the following February they got married. The boyfriend turned into the stepfather. Everything was perfect. Well it seemed that way. Then they found the perfect house. So they moved again. This is when things started to change. The girl and the stepfather stopped getting along. The perfect house was getting to expensive to run. That's when the girl got unhappy. They moved again, much to the girl's dismay. At the new house, the girl and the stepfather continued to not get along. This made things hard on the girl's mother. They decided it would be best if the girl changed schools. The new school was in the city so it was easier if the girl went to live with her Grandparents. The girl was excited at first, but then reality started setting in. The girl wouldn't see her mother everyday. The girl and her mother were close. They talked about most things. How would the girl get on without her mother? The girl sure as hell didn't know. She was suddenly nervous.
She would be finishing the year full of uncertainties, full of worries.
She had no idea of what was about to happen.
Just a few short weeks after she had finished school, she rang her mother at work. Something wasn't right. The girl could hear it in the mother's voice. The mother knew the girl had picked up on it. When the girl's mother started crying, the girl started to panic. The mother told her she would finish work early to come an see her. Something had happened, the girl's mother never finished work early. The girl felt sick. So, for the whole morning the girl waited in fear, in fear of what had happened to make the mother act the way she had on the phone. The girl didn't leave the bedroom. When the mother arrived, she took one look at the girl and started crying again. The girl cried too. The two of them went to the grandparents and the mother explained what had happened.
The mother and the stepfather had gone to councilling the night before. The stepfather had admitted to not loving the mother anymore, to having doubts on their wedding day, and to marrying the mother for the wrong reasons. The mother explained to the girl that it wasn't her fault. That they would be having a trial seperation.
After they had finished talking, the mother went home and the girl went numb. She got smothered by the grandparents to the point where she couldn't be there anymore. She couldn't be there, but she couldn't go home. So the girl went to her aunty's house. That's where she hid, holding back her feelings, her tears, pretending she was okay. But the aunty and her friend could see right through the girl's cover. They talked to the girl, and explained that what she was feeling was normal. They told the girl that it was okay to cry and be angry.
She managed to hold back the tears until she had to go back to the grandparents to get some clothes. The grandmother tried to hug her, but the girl wasn't ready. The grandmother didn't like this. She told the girl that it hurt that she wouldn't allow her to hug her, and that they should mourn together. That was it. The girl went off at her. Then she went to bedroom. The aunty's friend came after her. She sat there with the girl and let her cry. She didn't talk. She just sat there and hugged the girl while she cried. When the girl finally got control of herself, they talked. And it was exactly what the girl needed.
After New Years, the girl and the mother moved out. It was hard packing up her life again. They moved to the girl's other aunty's house.
Four months later and the girl and her mother still lived at the aunty's house. There was no sign of anything happening. And no sign of the pain going away.
Nobody saw it, but the girl was still broken, still hurting, still unhappy. She had forgotten what happy .

You're so fucking immature.
Why the fuck would you say that?
I really don't like you right now.

I know that I told you that I wouldn't tell her about the things you told me about Kate and you.
But I did.
I did it because I'm worried.
I'm worried that if she gets too far gone, that you wont be far behind.
You need to know that we are always here and that we love you to pieces.
Never forget that.
We wonder if there is any way to save you. We don't want to lose you.

What if she does go too far?
How long until you follow?
You both talk about 'If you go, I go'.

Will we have time to talk you round?

She was right.
You are a beautiful person, inside and out.
Just find who you were.
The girl you lost.
We miss her.

It's strange how easy it can be to fall into old habits.

You really piss me off. Just by the way.
I can never win with you.

Shit.
God forbid should you have to take the day off work or leave your husband's house because your daughter is sick.
You don't care.

She was right.
Everything she said was true.
And everything she said hurt.

So.. before I left Ellesmere, I wrote this.

"Today when I was sitting in the Gym looking around I got thinking. I don't think I'm ready to leave Ellesmere yet. I don't even know how to exlain it. Something just doesn't feel right. It's probably just nerves. I know I'm doing the right thing for the right reasons. Three different people have told me that. Two of which I trust whole-heartedly.

But that didn't stop the tears last night. It's been so long since I cried myself to sleep. And crying over something like that makes it even more pathetic."


I never published it.

But today, even after being at Hagley for almost a term, it felt like I never left. I know that leaving was the right thing to do. I have so many more opportunities.

I know I did the right thing now.

I'm soo happy.
Why?
Because I saw you today.
I saw you, and there was nothing.
No butterflies.
No nothing.
It was great.
But it was nice seeing you again.

Some days are harder than others.

I'm done wishing.
Why?
Because I realised something.

When I was younger, every chance I had, I would wish for the same thing. I wished for the same thing for years.

My wish:
I wished that mum would be happy and that we would live on a farm and have a dog.

One day, when I was bringing the washing in at Two Chain Road, I realised something.
I had all of that.

We lived on a small farm.
Mum was married and happy.
And we had Gypsy.

I was happy when I realised that.

But then it all turned to crap.

So I have given up on wishing, because when you get your wish, it doesn't last long.

Hmmm..
You've changed.
Alot.
Well, in the looks department anyway.
It's weird.
It's good.
But my memory of you was so distinct.
Now it has changed.
I wanna see you.
In person.
I need to know that you're personality hasn't changed too.
It was the best part.

It's taking all my strength to make you think that I don't hate you, even though whenever I think of why I feel this way I almost cry.

Actually, it does have something to do with me. Who do you think is the one who has to watch you fall apart and then pick up the pieces when he changes his mind?

You're stupid.
You're a bitch.
You're annoying.
You're not seeing the patterns.
But you're my mother.

Lets see how they go today. I hope they work.

Only time will tell.

To some people, my mother for example, it may seem crazy. But I need all the help I can get.

Don't worry, Jac.

They just know you well enough to know what to get :)

Stop bragging! Seriously. You're just being annoying now.

You know what?

Fuck you, Hot Ben.
Fuck you and all your hotness.

XP

I have never been so angry with myself.

Hi.

Hello.

How are you?

IT'S NOT HARD!

Goodbye Sanity. It was nice while it lasted. But everything that is going on in my head, is going to drive me insane.

The only place that I feel truly safe and wanted, isn't the place I would have expected. It isn't with my Mum. It's not even at Grannie and Papa's. It's at my Aunty Liz's house. Even though that's where I was when I found out about Mum and Marty, they encouraged me to express what I was feeling when I wouldn't. They talked to me, and listened when I talked to them. They were the shoulder I cried on. They say that I am always welcome whenever. They don't treat me like a kid, there I am an adult.

I don't feel like that anywhere else.

Being there again made me realise.

That house isn't home. Not anymore. There's nothing of us left. I don't think I can go back. It hurts too much.

To be honest,
the only reason I asked you to stay on Sunday night, was because I just needed someone. Just someone to be there, just in case.

That feeling you used to put in my stomach when I saw you.. Isn't caused by you anymore.

Alone.






Well that's how it feels.

There was a couple of times this week, when I thought that I would see you in the morning and just breakdown.

I'm not coping.

But I'll never say it out loud.

But when I do breakdown,
I hope no one is there to see the mess.

How dare you.

How fucking dare you.

What makes you think that you can text her and ask her to come home for the weekend just to save you from your parents?

They are your parents.
Your problem.

Luckily, she said no.
And she was pissed that you asked

Personally..
I'm glad they are coming to stay with you for 3 days.
Hearing it made my day.
Why?
Because I can think of nothing you hate worse.
And I think you deserve it.
;)

I just really need a hug.

I don't know what's happening..
I'm in this downward spiral and it's not good.

I just want to cry all the time.
Small things are setting me off.
I just don't feel happy at all.

There's so much going on in my head.

- Why is she going back to him?
- What happens if his health gets worse?
- What happened during our last phone conversation?
- How can they act as if nothing is wrong?
- How is this fair?

There's only so much one person can take..

I've read the comments people leave on the posts on Secret Regrets.
I've seen how much they care for people they have never met.
But now I truely understand their effect.

The regret posted on February 7th, was written be me.
Three people commented on it.
Their words really do touch your heart.
Knowing that there are people out there that have never met you, have you in their prayers. That they want the best for you. That they believe in you.
It's the nicest feeling in the world.
I wish I could thank those three people personally for their kind words.

"there's a girl who lives her life by her own rules. makes mistakes. fucks shit up. but doesn't look back and wish she did it differently. cause then she would never learn. and she take's life as a learning experience. and live's it as tomorrow would be her last. wanna know who this girl is? me too.. "

It's too soon.

But apparently my opinion doesn't matter anymore...

Urban Dictionary.

Jacqui:

To have a wacky outlook on life, full of color. Gives life to its surroundings, (if lucky enough to be part of them). Talkative due to extensive bank of experiences, may be prone to extended periods of laughter/sillyness. Yes, all of these seemingly unrelated definitions are contained within this word, such is the nature of this entity.

Something just happened..

I saw you were on facebook..
And didn't get that strange little twinge I normally get.

I think this is a new begining.

:)

For the stupidest reason, I think I just died a little inside.

Nobody died..
Nothing has happened to anyone..

But I just found out that Fall Out Boy might be over.

Stupid right?

I haven't listened to them in so long, but when I read what Pete and Patrick had written, I cried.
They were my first obessesion. They were who got me through most days back when I was really down in the dumps. They were a big part of me for a while. And the thought of them not making music, makes me sad.

Their music spoke to me.

I realise I probably sound like a crazy person.
But they meant alot to me once..

I'm proud of the way I ended the year and brought in the new one. I hugged a bunch of total strangers, I drank too much, I tried new things.. I wasn't myself and I loved it. I want that new girl to come back.. She's fearless!!

When I have your phone, I read your messages to see if you have ben texting him. And if you have, to see what you talk about.

You were texting him on Friday.
You were going out to see him.
He said that you could take your pajamas.

I wanted to scream.
Him saying that was proving what I have thought since the begining.

He's sick of being alone, so nows he wants you back for company..

I want to scream at you.
Both of you.
To get it into your heads.

STOP DOING THIS TO EACH OTHER!

I'm never going to forgive him.

Not ever.

I keep thinking about that day when you came to tell me what happened and what was going to happen.

The look on your face haunts me.

I'm not going to forgive him.

And when you go home,

I'm not going with you.

I'm not going to watch you pretend like it didn't happen.

Everytime you mention him,

I just fill up with all this hate.

I can't belive you are going back to him after what he did,

what he said.


What happens in another 18 months?

When he gets sick of us again?

Are we just gonna up and move out for another few months?

Well, I'm not going to wait around to find out.

Okay, I will admitt that I shot you down when you reached. I only did that because you had found someone new to confide in. You two got on way better than we ever did. You had somuch fun with her. Whenever you were with me, we never had that fun. I'm never not going to want you in my life. You are a big part of it. I lost a person like that once, and I'm not going to happen again. And you don't text me either. And if we do text the conversation usually dies pretty quickly. Yes, usually that is because I don't offer much. But if you ever wanted to talk, yo could always call me (once you got my number obviously). I would call you but I never know when you are home. I love hanging out with you. Just us. But I worry that you will spend the time thinking about how much more fun you could be having with Kate and Dara. And now that I live on the other side of Christchurch, there isn't much of a chance that we can meet up, is there?

Believe me when I say, I miss you.
We have so many great memories.
We have had many great times.

And I hope we have many more..

I realised something just now..

I don't know who you are anymore.

Right now, I just want someone who will sit there and listen to me vent.

About how much I hate him, both of them, for destroying any faith I had left in males.

About how it would be nice to stay in one place for more than 2 years.


I don't think I've ever hurt like this.

Go home.
I don't want you here.
Things aren't going to change when we go home.
I can tell.

I found that letter I wrote you..

But you'll never know what it says..

Until I read it to you grave..

Why?

Why do you let him do this?
Why do you let him turn you on and off like a tap?
-When he's lonely we're okay to have around, but once he gets sick of it, it's time to leave.
Why do you keep going back?
Why do you treat you like that?
Why don't you see it?
Why haven't you picked up on the pattern?

Why haven't you stopped it?

Why..?

Now that I have remembered that day, I can see it so clearly in my mind.
Who was that girl?
Why would she do that?

No. You don't get it.

I found this on PostSecret..

Take a picture of your life...
Remember what it looks like
Before it all changes...