I miss my old life.. All of the people I had to leave behind. Don't get me wrong, I love all my new friends. But while I was looking for a friends Bebo i came across the guy who used to get me in trouble when I was younger. He used to pull the fingers at me until I pulled them back at him and then we'd both laugh. He used to get me to swear too. I know that probably isn't the greatest thing that's ever happened but it was fun. It just brings back so many memories. Even though I was born in Christchurch, Westport will always be my home. When we moved I left so many people behind that I haven't talked to since I moved. If I could go back I would make sure that I gave them a goodbye worth remembering..


I know they will never read this but...

To all you guys..
I miss you all sooo much!

I had a dream last night and something about it has got me thinking. I kinda bothers me a little bit..

This is how it went.


I had just changed schools, but my new school was my old primary school. All of my old friends were there and I was nervous about seeing them. So I'm in one of the classrooms and in walks my old guy mate Nathaniel.

Here's the weird part..

He walks up to me and gives me a huge hug and we are immediately hanging out constantly. Always together. Then I start to like him. So I tell him everything.


Why is that weird?

Because yeah, we were mates. But never more than that. We had been friends ever since we first met back in Year 3 when we would play PlayStation and shoot guys in the ass. I haven't thought about him since I moved in Year 8. Now all of a sudden I miss him.

Why does that bother me?

Because suddenly I feel something that I have never felt towards him. We were always just friends. I haven't talked to him in years. And now he appears in my dream as the guy I like. He was the best guy friend I had.

I don't like this..

I can't watch this anymore. I'm done. There's so many things I want to say to you..

No matter how many times you say it, I just don't think I will ever believe you. Not ever.

Do you even care? You haven't said a word about it.

I wouldn't blame you if you hated me.

There's something I have to say. I just have to work up the balls to say it before someone else beats me to it.

When I think of talking to you and telling you I want to start crying.. I can't tell you.. I don't know how.. But I have to before you hear it from someone else..

Barely keeping it together right now..

I'm not a bad person. But you make me feel like one. I want you to just leave me alone.

There's so many things I want to say to you.. But I just can't. I wouldn't know where to start.. I know that I wouldn't like your reaction..

Stop it! Okay, just stop it!

Get ready to say good-bye, because I'm going and not turning back.

She told me but I never listened.. Until now. Now I'm starting to hear what she was saying all along.

And honestly..

I would be happy if you never talked to me ever again.

It's not fair.

Sometimes I feel like you truely like him more than me. Why? Because it seems like the first chance you get you are going to send me away to live somewhere else. Things aren't good between me and him so I have to lose my mum? How is that fair? I'm just a kid. I need you still.

I don't know why I bother with you. I can't do anything right. I'm not good enough.

I've been given a way out, a way to get out of doing what I know I should do. But if I do it people will get hurt..

I'm so confused

It's hard when someone who means alot to you is sick. It's harder when they get worse. It's hard hearing about it knowing that nothing can be done to make it better.

Today you told me to stay. That it wouldn't be the same without me there.

The first thing that came to my mind was "Would you even notice? I mean, you have her now.."

But would you notice?
Or would I get pushed out like she was?
Would that happen to us?

I wish that I could just say exactly what I think. I need to say something but when I think about it I lose my voice..

I wish it was as easy as just turning and walking away, but it's not.

I have realised that I have something that I need to do. Something hard. I should do it but I don't know how or even if I can..

I don't think this is working. It hasn't been for a while. But I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do this, whatever this is.

A part of me wants to be your Little Girl, but I can't be. I'm not sure I love you. You've only ever really been a tug on my conscience, a hurt I didn't want. I can't love you. You haven't given me a reason to. When I look at you all I see is the man that I was forced to see every holidays, the man who sent me texts on Christmas Day that made me cry. I don't see a father. I don't think I ever will. Fathers hug their daughters. They tell them they love them. You don't. You hardly even talk to me when you see me. Sometimes I just want to tell you exactly how I feel about you but I know I will regret it once you're gone. I don't think I will ever love you. I just can't.

I can't watch this anymore.

I feel more alone now than I ever have.

Sometimes I just feel so invisible to you.

I'm getting close to the point where I just give up trying.


The most annoying thing is that I can't even say how I feel.

I thought this girl was gone. I thought she wouldn't come back. But she has.