I keep going back to that day in the bedroom.
I was crying harder than I had in a long time.
She was there telling me it was okay to hurt like this.
I just kept saying it wasn't fair.

I wish you were here now..

I don't know how much longer I can hold back the tears this time.

Packing up my room was harder than I thought..

When Mum first told me what was definately happening, I was okay.
But I was out in public so breaking down wasn't an option.

I managed to hold it all back for just over a day.
But they just wouldn't drop it.
The tears rolled down my cheeks, but only for a second.

It wasn't until later that day, Grannie said something that just pushed me..
"I was hurt yesterday when you wouldn't hug me. I'm upset about this too. We should grieve together."
That was it.
I snapped back at her.
I wasn't ready for hugs.
There was nothing to fucking grieve over!

After that I just went down to my room.
I just tried to forget what she had said.
I really didn't need it right now.

Then Treen came in.
She sat down and just talked to me.
When I burst into tears, she hugged me.
She told me that what I was feeling was normal.
That it was okay to hurt the way I was.
And that holding it in wouldn't help.
She listened to me and comforted me.

She really helped me in a big way.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

My first question was "Is he gone?"
She told me "No"

My next question is "Are we gone?"

The answer would be "Not yet"

Can someone lie to me and tell me things will be okay?

Things aren't good.

The term 'Trial Seperation' is being thrown around.

I may not have to live with my Grandparents next year.

Something has happened.
And it's not good.
I don't know what it is yet, but I know it's bad.
She was holding back tears on the phone, I could hear it in her voice.
My first question was "Is he gone?"
He's not.
So what could it be.
What I heard in her voice scares me.
She kept telling me it wasn't my fault.
That it was her.

So many things are going through my head.

I'm terrified.

What I'm doing is wrong..

I'm saying exactly what he wants to hear.

I'm saying things that I know I don't mean.

And I know why I'm saying them.

It's a game, a horrible game.

But I can't stop.

So, I didn't light any matches, we aren't burning anymore. This is just a live ember in the bottom of the ashes after the fire has gone out. You just didn't realise the fire when it was burning.

If you think that I don't care, then you're wrong.
And I'm just as hurt as you are.

And you know that I usally keep my thoughts to myself.
And now, you know why.


Or maybe we don't know each other as well as we thought.

I'm sorry.
Okay?
I'm sorry you finally found out what I thought.
I thought that's what you wanted.
I can't win, can I?

I don't talk about these things.

You know that.

If she is sill your Best Friend, then why are you trating her like this?
Putting all the blame on her isn't fair.
If she really is your Best Friend you could see things from her point of view.

You should have seen what she said to me last night.
You really have hurt her by putting everything on her.

Yeah, she may have hurt you with the things she said in that blog.
But she was just being honest.

Honesty is an important thing in friendships (and I realise that even I sturggle with it). But when one person decides to say what they really think (in one form or another), the other person should take it in. They shouldn't go off at them.



P.S
I realise that this really has nothing to do with me. Me and Jac just had a long convo last night, I'm just a concerned party expressing my thoughts.

You replaced her.
It's been, what, a day?

What happened to "i don't want another fucking best friend. i don't want to fucking move on"?

A few hours later and "yeah Lex has replaced you with me in her eyes...pretty much ive become the best friend with you gone..."

BEST FRIENDS CAN'T BE REPLACED JUST LIKE THAT!
That's not how it works.

If you two really were best friends, she wouldn't be someone you could just replace after a day.

Best friends are MADE not CHOSEN.

And why is it all HER fault?

Friendships go two ways. For it to breakdown takes both of you.

So take some blame for it. Stop putting it all on her!

You are both at fault.


And stop saying that you get how the other one feels. It's two completely different situations. They AREN'T the same.





Ok, I'm done now..
:)

P.S.
I don't mean to offend anyone. I just thought I would throw my thoughts out there.

Back in October, I wrote this blog..

A part of me wants to be your Little Girl, but I can't be. I'm not sure I love you. You've only ever really been a tug on my conscience, a hurt I didn't want. I can't love you. You haven't given me a reason to. When I look at you all I see is the man that I was forced to see every holidays, the man who sent me texts on Christmas Day that made me cry. I don't see a father. I don't think I ever will. Fathers hug their daughters. They tell them they love them. You don't. You hardly even talk to me when you see me. Sometimes I just want to tell you exactly how I feel about you but I know I will regret it once you're gone. I don't think I will ever love you. I just can't.

It inspired this edit the other night..

What is a Best friend?

Like, really?

No matter what I say in my defence, you're never going to believe it are you?
So I'm not even going to try.

And those words tear me apart..

They say a picture says a thousand words.
This one only says 7..
Those words say it all..

I can't trust you anymore..

I don't know if I can talk to you for a while..

We both need some time to let the dust settle..

Shit.

No-one was ever meant to see that.

I wrote it so long ago, I forgot I had it.

Things have changed since I wrote it.

When I realised that you had seen it, panic hit me.

I was horrible in it.

I feel really bad that you saw it.

I'm not sure if I can see you tonight knowing you've seen it..

Reading through my last blog, I realised that I had two big decisions to make. Decisions that people shouldn't have to make at the age I was. Is it fair that my mother asked that of me? Or was it all meant to mature me and get me ready for the future?

This Is A Story Of A Girl

Once upon a time, there was a young, unhappy girl. She could've been pretty if she smiled a bit more. She had her father's eyes though she hated to admit it. She didn't like to talk about him much. Not after he left her and her mother when she was younger. When he left, the girl's mother met someone else. At first, the girl didn't mind him. He was nice. Then the girl's mother and her new boyfriend decided to move to his hometown. This was the first of many moves the girl would have in her life. The girl's father encouraged the move to the new town. Well, that's what the girl's mother said. He wanted to make room for the new man in the girl's mother's life. At the time, the girl was too small to understand it. So off they went. They moved into the new house in the new town, the girl got settled into her new school and made new friends. Things were great. Then the three of them moved to a farm just outside of the town. She thought things were good. But then the mother packed the girl up and they moved back to their old town, leaving the boyfriend behind. They moved back into their old house, the girl went back to her old school and saw her old friends. The girl was happy. The girl's mother, however, was not. After a short period of time, the mother decided to move back to the new town and try again. She got back with her old boyfriend. Again, the girl was happy. But she was oblivious to most things because of her age. She had no idea what was going to happen in just a few short years. The mother and her boyfriend were together for a while, but then he went away for a while. He went to Africa for a few months. He came back though, and then things went back to the way they were. He went back to Africa once more, just like the last time, and came back just like the last time. The girl's mother was waiting and when he got back things went back to the way things were again. After a while, the girl and her mother moved again. It was just to a new house this time. They settled in and the mother's boyfriend would come and stay sometimes. But then something happened, the girl can't remember what, and the mother's boyfriend stopped coming round. The mother was unhappy. The girl, oblivious. She was still too young to see what was happening. A while later, the boyfriend stated coming round again, just for visits this time. Then his parents paid for him to take a trip to Canada. And although they never said it, both the girl's mother and the boyfriend knew that they did it to get him away from her. While he was gone, the girl's mother looked after his house. During one of the times that they hadn't been together, the girl's mother had discovered that the boyfriend had met someone else. Once they were close again, she found out that he had sent the other lady flowers. So while he was gone and she was looking after his house, she went through his mail. She didn't find anything, so she let it go. When he came back, they parted ways as friends. Later that year, the girl and her mother were in town one afternoon. They saw the boyfriend and he looked unhappy. The mother then had idea. It was nearing Christmas. She asked the girl if it would be okay with her if the boyfriend came and had Christmas with their family. The girl said yes. So the boyfriend came to Christmas with them. But the mother and the boyfriend were keeping something from the girl. They were looking at houses. They wanted to move back to the old town. They didn't tell the girl until they had found a house they wanted. They took the girl to show her the house. It was a dump. She hated it. She sat in the car crying. She didn't want to leave her friends, not again. But they moved anyway. The girl started at another new school and had to make more new friends. After she finally settled in, things were okay again. Then one weekend she went to stay with her Grandparents. When she got home her mother said that her and the boyfriend had something they wanted to ask her. They sat down and asked her what she would think about them getting married. The girl was surprised. She said it would be great. So that was it. A few weeks later they set dates for everything, and in the following February they got married. The boyfriend turned into the stepfather. Everything was perfect. Well it seemed that way. Then they found the perfect house. So they moved again. This is when things started to change. The girl and the stepfather stopped getting along. The perfect house was getting to expensive to run. That's when the girl got unhappy. They moved again, much to the girl's dismay. At the new house, the girl and the stepfather continued to not get along. This made things hard on the girl's mother. They decided it would be best if the girl changed schools. The new school was in the city so it was easier if the girl went to live with her Grandparents. The girl was excited at first, but then reality started setting in. The girl wouldn't see her mother everyday. The girl and her mother were close. They talked about most things. How would the girl get on without her mother? The girl sure as hell didn't know. She was suddenly nervous.
She would be finishing the year full of uncertainties, full of worries.

I don't know what to expect next year..
Things are changing..
But that's good.
Right?

The saddest part is..

You'll never know just how much I really liked you. For the best part of three years, you gave me butterflies everytime I saw you. You made me smile everytime you talked to me. And the time you said we were friends then waved to me from your bus, it made my day. Without knowing it, you were the only guy who was ever that nice to me. We had fun. Like one time in english in Year 10 on a mufti day me, you and Jac were throwing things down each others tops. And on Year 10 camp, at nights when everyone was just hanging around doing nothing and there was a group of us all talking. And then back in Year 9, during the performance practice when Toby punched Daniel, your were by the door and saw that some of us were upset and opened it for us. Sitting next to you in science was the best. When I would doodle in class and you would always want to see what I was doing. I will always remember the day that you fought me for the piece of paper that Meghan had given me that said "J.W 4 T.E". The panic I felt when you were holding it in your hand. Or at the formal this year, I saw you and Tamara holding hands. I cried. How stupid is that?

You will never understand the impact you had on me.
Everyone knew that I liked you, yet I denied it. Until now.
If I had the guts, I would've told you.
But now it's too late.

It was important for me to talk to you again before I left Ellesmere, and I did. It wasn't much of a conversation, but it was something.

Sometimes I sit there, staring at your number in my phone, wondering if I will ever use it.

And the worst part of it all..
Now that I don't go to you're school, you'll probably forget I even exist. I won't forget you though..

You tell me everything is okay.
You tell me not to worry.

I tell you I know that.
I laugh it off.

But really..
I'm terrified.

Maybe one day I will be able to tell you the truth about why I left.

Today when I was sitting in the Gym looking around I got thinking. I don't think I'm ready to leave Ellesmere yet. I don't even know how to exlain it. Something just doesn't feel right. It's probably just nerves. I know I'm doing the right thing for the right reasons. Three different people have told me that. Two of which I trust whole-heartedly.

But that didn't stop the tears last night. It's been so long since I cried myself to sleep. And crying over something like that makes it even more pathetic.

The worst part is..
You'll never know how much you meant to me without even trying.

Right now I'm feeling so many things I feel sick. I'm sad but happy, scared but excited, and so many other things I can't even describe.

But most of all I'm sad.

All I want to do is burst into tears.

The next three days are going to be hard. It's the only time I have left with a lot of my mates at Ellesmere. Lets face it, after exams I won't see a lot of them again. I'm not really sure what I think about that. It still hasn't really sunk in that I won't be back there with them next year..

I don't know why but for some reason I suddenly feel really loney.. I'm getting what I want but I'm not sure that I'm as happy as I say I am.

I'm the happiest I've been in a long time and it feels great! :)

I miss my old life.. All of the people I had to leave behind. Don't get me wrong, I love all my new friends. But while I was looking for a friends Bebo i came across the guy who used to get me in trouble when I was younger. He used to pull the fingers at me until I pulled them back at him and then we'd both laugh. He used to get me to swear too. I know that probably isn't the greatest thing that's ever happened but it was fun. It just brings back so many memories. Even though I was born in Christchurch, Westport will always be my home. When we moved I left so many people behind that I haven't talked to since I moved. If I could go back I would make sure that I gave them a goodbye worth remembering..


I know they will never read this but...

To all you guys..
I miss you all sooo much!

I had a dream last night and something about it has got me thinking. I kinda bothers me a little bit..

This is how it went.


I had just changed schools, but my new school was my old primary school. All of my old friends were there and I was nervous about seeing them. So I'm in one of the classrooms and in walks my old guy mate Nathaniel.

Here's the weird part..

He walks up to me and gives me a huge hug and we are immediately hanging out constantly. Always together. Then I start to like him. So I tell him everything.


Why is that weird?

Because yeah, we were mates. But never more than that. We had been friends ever since we first met back in Year 3 when we would play PlayStation and shoot guys in the ass. I haven't thought about him since I moved in Year 8. Now all of a sudden I miss him.

Why does that bother me?

Because suddenly I feel something that I have never felt towards him. We were always just friends. I haven't talked to him in years. And now he appears in my dream as the guy I like. He was the best guy friend I had.

I don't like this..

I can't watch this anymore. I'm done. There's so many things I want to say to you..

No matter how many times you say it, I just don't think I will ever believe you. Not ever.

Do you even care? You haven't said a word about it.

I wouldn't blame you if you hated me.

There's something I have to say. I just have to work up the balls to say it before someone else beats me to it.

When I think of talking to you and telling you I want to start crying.. I can't tell you.. I don't know how.. But I have to before you hear it from someone else..

Barely keeping it together right now..

I'm not a bad person. But you make me feel like one. I want you to just leave me alone.

There's so many things I want to say to you.. But I just can't. I wouldn't know where to start.. I know that I wouldn't like your reaction..

Stop it! Okay, just stop it!

Get ready to say good-bye, because I'm going and not turning back.

She told me but I never listened.. Until now. Now I'm starting to hear what she was saying all along.

And honestly..

I would be happy if you never talked to me ever again.

It's not fair.

Sometimes I feel like you truely like him more than me. Why? Because it seems like the first chance you get you are going to send me away to live somewhere else. Things aren't good between me and him so I have to lose my mum? How is that fair? I'm just a kid. I need you still.

I don't know why I bother with you. I can't do anything right. I'm not good enough.

I've been given a way out, a way to get out of doing what I know I should do. But if I do it people will get hurt..

I'm so confused

It's hard when someone who means alot to you is sick. It's harder when they get worse. It's hard hearing about it knowing that nothing can be done to make it better.

Today you told me to stay. That it wouldn't be the same without me there.

The first thing that came to my mind was "Would you even notice? I mean, you have her now.."

But would you notice?
Or would I get pushed out like she was?
Would that happen to us?

I wish that I could just say exactly what I think. I need to say something but when I think about it I lose my voice..

I wish it was as easy as just turning and walking away, but it's not.

I have realised that I have something that I need to do. Something hard. I should do it but I don't know how or even if I can..

I don't think this is working. It hasn't been for a while. But I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do this, whatever this is.

A part of me wants to be your Little Girl, but I can't be. I'm not sure I love you. You've only ever really been a tug on my conscience, a hurt I didn't want. I can't love you. You haven't given me a reason to. When I look at you all I see is the man that I was forced to see every holidays, the man who sent me texts on Christmas Day that made me cry. I don't see a father. I don't think I ever will. Fathers hug their daughters. They tell them they love them. You don't. You hardly even talk to me when you see me. Sometimes I just want to tell you exactly how I feel about you but I know I will regret it once you're gone. I don't think I will ever love you. I just can't.

I can't watch this anymore.

I feel more alone now than I ever have.

Sometimes I just feel so invisible to you.

I'm getting close to the point where I just give up trying.


The most annoying thing is that I can't even say how I feel.

I thought this girl was gone. I thought she wouldn't come back. But she has.

I'm tired. All the time. It's weird. I'm weird.

:)

Honesty

I can't find it in me to be honest with anyone at the moment. Not even myself. I'm worried people will think less of me.

I have secrets.
I have told lies.
I have lost myself.
This isn't me and I'm scared.

I want to be honest with people. But I can't take them knowing the truth. And it's the smaller things that I wish I had tried harder to hide.

I'm sinking..
Can anybody help me..?
Or am I past saving..?

I just can't do it anymore. Any of it. Just take me.

Sometimes it like we just aren't the way we used to be. You have her but I have no-one.

'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'

This is quite possibly my favourite quote from 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower':





But it's like when my doctor told me the story of these two brothers whose dad was a bad alcholic. One brother grew up to be a sucessful carpenter who never drank. The other brother ended up being a drinker as bad as his dad was. When they asked the first brother why he didn't drink, he said that after he saw what it did to his father, he could never bring himself to even try it. When they asked the other bother, he said that he guessed he learned how to drink on his father's knee. So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.