You really piss me off. Just by the way.
I can never win with you.

Shit.
God forbid should you have to take the day off work or leave your husband's house because your daughter is sick.
You don't care.

She was right.
Everything she said was true.
And everything she said hurt.

So.. before I left Ellesmere, I wrote this.

"Today when I was sitting in the Gym looking around I got thinking. I don't think I'm ready to leave Ellesmere yet. I don't even know how to exlain it. Something just doesn't feel right. It's probably just nerves. I know I'm doing the right thing for the right reasons. Three different people have told me that. Two of which I trust whole-heartedly.

But that didn't stop the tears last night. It's been so long since I cried myself to sleep. And crying over something like that makes it even more pathetic."


I never published it.

But today, even after being at Hagley for almost a term, it felt like I never left. I know that leaving was the right thing to do. I have so many more opportunities.

I know I did the right thing now.

I'm soo happy.
Why?
Because I saw you today.
I saw you, and there was nothing.
No butterflies.
No nothing.
It was great.
But it was nice seeing you again.

Some days are harder than others.

I'm done wishing.
Why?
Because I realised something.

When I was younger, every chance I had, I would wish for the same thing. I wished for the same thing for years.

My wish:
I wished that mum would be happy and that we would live on a farm and have a dog.

One day, when I was bringing the washing in at Two Chain Road, I realised something.
I had all of that.

We lived on a small farm.
Mum was married and happy.
And we had Gypsy.

I was happy when I realised that.

But then it all turned to crap.

So I have given up on wishing, because when you get your wish, it doesn't last long.

Hmmm..
You've changed.
Alot.
Well, in the looks department anyway.
It's weird.
It's good.
But my memory of you was so distinct.
Now it has changed.
I wanna see you.
In person.
I need to know that you're personality hasn't changed too.
It was the best part.

It's taking all my strength to make you think that I don't hate you, even though whenever I think of why I feel this way I almost cry.

Actually, it does have something to do with me. Who do you think is the one who has to watch you fall apart and then pick up the pieces when he changes his mind?

You're stupid.
You're a bitch.
You're annoying.
You're not seeing the patterns.
But you're my mother.

Lets see how they go today. I hope they work.

Only time will tell.

To some people, my mother for example, it may seem crazy. But I need all the help I can get.

Don't worry, Jac.

They just know you well enough to know what to get :)

Stop bragging! Seriously. You're just being annoying now.

You know what?

Fuck you, Hot Ben.
Fuck you and all your hotness.

XP

I have never been so angry with myself.

Hi.

Hello.

How are you?

IT'S NOT HARD!

Goodbye Sanity. It was nice while it lasted. But everything that is going on in my head, is going to drive me insane.

The only place that I feel truly safe and wanted, isn't the place I would have expected. It isn't with my Mum. It's not even at Grannie and Papa's. It's at my Aunty Liz's house. Even though that's where I was when I found out about Mum and Marty, they encouraged me to express what I was feeling when I wouldn't. They talked to me, and listened when I talked to them. They were the shoulder I cried on. They say that I am always welcome whenever. They don't treat me like a kid, there I am an adult.

I don't feel like that anywhere else.

Being there again made me realise.

That house isn't home. Not anymore. There's nothing of us left. I don't think I can go back. It hurts too much.

To be honest,
the only reason I asked you to stay on Sunday night, was because I just needed someone. Just someone to be there, just in case.