I keep going back to that day in the bedroom.
I was crying harder than I had in a long time.
She was there telling me it was okay to hurt like this.
I just kept saying it wasn't fair.

I wish you were here now..

I don't know how much longer I can hold back the tears this time.

Packing up my room was harder than I thought..

When Mum first told me what was definately happening, I was okay.
But I was out in public so breaking down wasn't an option.

I managed to hold it all back for just over a day.
But they just wouldn't drop it.
The tears rolled down my cheeks, but only for a second.

It wasn't until later that day, Grannie said something that just pushed me..
"I was hurt yesterday when you wouldn't hug me. I'm upset about this too. We should grieve together."
That was it.
I snapped back at her.
I wasn't ready for hugs.
There was nothing to fucking grieve over!

After that I just went down to my room.
I just tried to forget what she had said.
I really didn't need it right now.

Then Treen came in.
She sat down and just talked to me.
When I burst into tears, she hugged me.
She told me that what I was feeling was normal.
That it was okay to hurt the way I was.
And that holding it in wouldn't help.
She listened to me and comforted me.

She really helped me in a big way.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

My first question was "Is he gone?"
She told me "No"

My next question is "Are we gone?"

The answer would be "Not yet"

Can someone lie to me and tell me things will be okay?

Things aren't good.

The term 'Trial Seperation' is being thrown around.

I may not have to live with my Grandparents next year.

Something has happened.
And it's not good.
I don't know what it is yet, but I know it's bad.
She was holding back tears on the phone, I could hear it in her voice.
My first question was "Is he gone?"
He's not.
So what could it be.
What I heard in her voice scares me.
She kept telling me it wasn't my fault.
That it was her.

So many things are going through my head.

I'm terrified.

What I'm doing is wrong..

I'm saying exactly what he wants to hear.

I'm saying things that I know I don't mean.

And I know why I'm saying them.

It's a game, a horrible game.

But I can't stop.

So, I didn't light any matches, we aren't burning anymore. This is just a live ember in the bottom of the ashes after the fire has gone out. You just didn't realise the fire when it was burning.

If you think that I don't care, then you're wrong.
And I'm just as hurt as you are.

And you know that I usally keep my thoughts to myself.
And now, you know why.


Or maybe we don't know each other as well as we thought.

I'm sorry.
Okay?
I'm sorry you finally found out what I thought.
I thought that's what you wanted.
I can't win, can I?

I don't talk about these things.

You know that.

If she is sill your Best Friend, then why are you trating her like this?
Putting all the blame on her isn't fair.
If she really is your Best Friend you could see things from her point of view.

You should have seen what she said to me last night.
You really have hurt her by putting everything on her.

Yeah, she may have hurt you with the things she said in that blog.
But she was just being honest.

Honesty is an important thing in friendships (and I realise that even I sturggle with it). But when one person decides to say what they really think (in one form or another), the other person should take it in. They shouldn't go off at them.



P.S
I realise that this really has nothing to do with me. Me and Jac just had a long convo last night, I'm just a concerned party expressing my thoughts.

You replaced her.
It's been, what, a day?

What happened to "i don't want another fucking best friend. i don't want to fucking move on"?

A few hours later and "yeah Lex has replaced you with me in her eyes...pretty much ive become the best friend with you gone..."

BEST FRIENDS CAN'T BE REPLACED JUST LIKE THAT!
That's not how it works.

If you two really were best friends, she wouldn't be someone you could just replace after a day.

Best friends are MADE not CHOSEN.

And why is it all HER fault?

Friendships go two ways. For it to breakdown takes both of you.

So take some blame for it. Stop putting it all on her!

You are both at fault.


And stop saying that you get how the other one feels. It's two completely different situations. They AREN'T the same.





Ok, I'm done now..
:)

P.S.
I don't mean to offend anyone. I just thought I would throw my thoughts out there.

Back in October, I wrote this blog..

A part of me wants to be your Little Girl, but I can't be. I'm not sure I love you. You've only ever really been a tug on my conscience, a hurt I didn't want. I can't love you. You haven't given me a reason to. When I look at you all I see is the man that I was forced to see every holidays, the man who sent me texts on Christmas Day that made me cry. I don't see a father. I don't think I ever will. Fathers hug their daughters. They tell them they love them. You don't. You hardly even talk to me when you see me. Sometimes I just want to tell you exactly how I feel about you but I know I will regret it once you're gone. I don't think I will ever love you. I just can't.

It inspired this edit the other night..

What is a Best friend?

Like, really?

No matter what I say in my defence, you're never going to believe it are you?
So I'm not even going to try.

And those words tear me apart..

They say a picture says a thousand words.
This one only says 7..
Those words say it all..

I can't trust you anymore..

I don't know if I can talk to you for a while..

We both need some time to let the dust settle..

Shit.

No-one was ever meant to see that.

I wrote it so long ago, I forgot I had it.

Things have changed since I wrote it.

When I realised that you had seen it, panic hit me.

I was horrible in it.

I feel really bad that you saw it.

I'm not sure if I can see you tonight knowing you've seen it..

Reading through my last blog, I realised that I had two big decisions to make. Decisions that people shouldn't have to make at the age I was. Is it fair that my mother asked that of me? Or was it all meant to mature me and get me ready for the future?

This Is A Story Of A Girl

Once upon a time, there was a young, unhappy girl. She could've been pretty if she smiled a bit more. She had her father's eyes though she hated to admit it. She didn't like to talk about him much. Not after he left her and her mother when she was younger. When he left, the girl's mother met someone else. At first, the girl didn't mind him. He was nice. Then the girl's mother and her new boyfriend decided to move to his hometown. This was the first of many moves the girl would have in her life. The girl's father encouraged the move to the new town. Well, that's what the girl's mother said. He wanted to make room for the new man in the girl's mother's life. At the time, the girl was too small to understand it. So off they went. They moved into the new house in the new town, the girl got settled into her new school and made new friends. Things were great. Then the three of them moved to a farm just outside of the town. She thought things were good. But then the mother packed the girl up and they moved back to their old town, leaving the boyfriend behind. They moved back into their old house, the girl went back to her old school and saw her old friends. The girl was happy. The girl's mother, however, was not. After a short period of time, the mother decided to move back to the new town and try again. She got back with her old boyfriend. Again, the girl was happy. But she was oblivious to most things because of her age. She had no idea what was going to happen in just a few short years. The mother and her boyfriend were together for a while, but then he went away for a while. He went to Africa for a few months. He came back though, and then things went back to the way they were. He went back to Africa once more, just like the last time, and came back just like the last time. The girl's mother was waiting and when he got back things went back to the way things were again. After a while, the girl and her mother moved again. It was just to a new house this time. They settled in and the mother's boyfriend would come and stay sometimes. But then something happened, the girl can't remember what, and the mother's boyfriend stopped coming round. The mother was unhappy. The girl, oblivious. She was still too young to see what was happening. A while later, the boyfriend stated coming round again, just for visits this time. Then his parents paid for him to take a trip to Canada. And although they never said it, both the girl's mother and the boyfriend knew that they did it to get him away from her. While he was gone, the girl's mother looked after his house. During one of the times that they hadn't been together, the girl's mother had discovered that the boyfriend had met someone else. Once they were close again, she found out that he had sent the other lady flowers. So while he was gone and she was looking after his house, she went through his mail. She didn't find anything, so she let it go. When he came back, they parted ways as friends. Later that year, the girl and her mother were in town one afternoon. They saw the boyfriend and he looked unhappy. The mother then had idea. It was nearing Christmas. She asked the girl if it would be okay with her if the boyfriend came and had Christmas with their family. The girl said yes. So the boyfriend came to Christmas with them. But the mother and the boyfriend were keeping something from the girl. They were looking at houses. They wanted to move back to the old town. They didn't tell the girl until they had found a house they wanted. They took the girl to show her the house. It was a dump. She hated it. She sat in the car crying. She didn't want to leave her friends, not again. But they moved anyway. The girl started at another new school and had to make more new friends. After she finally settled in, things were okay again. Then one weekend she went to stay with her Grandparents. When she got home her mother said that her and the boyfriend had something they wanted to ask her. They sat down and asked her what she would think about them getting married. The girl was surprised. She said it would be great. So that was it. A few weeks later they set dates for everything, and in the following February they got married. The boyfriend turned into the stepfather. Everything was perfect. Well it seemed that way. Then they found the perfect house. So they moved again. This is when things started to change. The girl and the stepfather stopped getting along. The perfect house was getting to expensive to run. That's when the girl got unhappy. They moved again, much to the girl's dismay. At the new house, the girl and the stepfather continued to not get along. This made things hard on the girl's mother. They decided it would be best if the girl changed schools. The new school was in the city so it was easier if the girl went to live with her Grandparents. The girl was excited at first, but then reality started setting in. The girl wouldn't see her mother everyday. The girl and her mother were close. They talked about most things. How would the girl get on without her mother? The girl sure as hell didn't know. She was suddenly nervous.
She would be finishing the year full of uncertainties, full of worries.

I don't know what to expect next year..
Things are changing..
But that's good.
Right?

The saddest part is..

You'll never know just how much I really liked you. For the best part of three years, you gave me butterflies everytime I saw you. You made me smile everytime you talked to me. And the time you said we were friends then waved to me from your bus, it made my day. Without knowing it, you were the only guy who was ever that nice to me. We had fun. Like one time in english in Year 10 on a mufti day me, you and Jac were throwing things down each others tops. And on Year 10 camp, at nights when everyone was just hanging around doing nothing and there was a group of us all talking. And then back in Year 9, during the performance practice when Toby punched Daniel, your were by the door and saw that some of us were upset and opened it for us. Sitting next to you in science was the best. When I would doodle in class and you would always want to see what I was doing. I will always remember the day that you fought me for the piece of paper that Meghan had given me that said "J.W 4 T.E". The panic I felt when you were holding it in your hand. Or at the formal this year, I saw you and Tamara holding hands. I cried. How stupid is that?

You will never understand the impact you had on me.
Everyone knew that I liked you, yet I denied it. Until now.
If I had the guts, I would've told you.
But now it's too late.

It was important for me to talk to you again before I left Ellesmere, and I did. It wasn't much of a conversation, but it was something.

Sometimes I sit there, staring at your number in my phone, wondering if I will ever use it.

And the worst part of it all..
Now that I don't go to you're school, you'll probably forget I even exist. I won't forget you though..