Here's just a few things I've been meaning to blog about.

How do I feel about moving in with him?
I'm fucking terrified. To the point where, while babysitting, I had to go outside and cry. And I really cried. But nobody noticed.
It's not that I don't like him, I have no problem with him. It's just that, I scared it will be like the last time. And the other day I noticed that this is all happening in the same way it did nearly 4 years ago. He has christmas with us, we move in together.. We've been here, we've done this. The next thing that happens is, you get married and things are okay for a while. Then it all falls apart. I don't think I can watch that again. Seeing you like that. That day is burned into my memory. Every detail. Your voice, your face. I would wish that on anyone. Except maybe Marty, but lets not go there.

What the hell am I doing with my life?
Nothing. Jack shit. But I have this need, this want. I want a baby. And badly. I don't know what this year has in store, but whatever happens I know that I have Papa to go to. And I want my kids to meet him, when I get married I want him to walk me down the isle. But he isn't going to be around forever. I'm dreading the day he dies, because I know that a part of me will doe with him.

What's the deal with this 'Love' business?
Lately, everything I watch or read is about people falling in love and being in love. Sometimes, I would kill to have someone care about me the way fictional characters care about each other. But, I'm coming to terms with the fact that it probably won't happen. People in love are always beautiful people. It's not fair. I want to know what love feels like (my pendulum claims I've been in love but I think that is a load of shit).

Welcome home. Thanks for not killing yourself.
Months and months of worry for nothing. What am I meant to believe now? I'm getting a bit lost.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it.
I wasn't happy, but at least I didn't feel like this.

In this case, I hope the pendulum is right. I want it to happen.