" I'm proud of the way I ended the year and brought in the new one. I hugged a bunch of total strangers, I drank too much, I tried new things.. I wasn't myself and I loved it. I want that new girl to come back.. She's fearless!! "

I wrote this after New Years last year.
That fearless girl died.
She's gone.
And all that's left is a broken girl who just wants to cry all the time.

Last New Years, I was with friends, drinking, talking to strangers, having fun.
This New Years, I'm going to be alone, completely sober, with nothing but my thoughts.
This has been a bad year. And I'll probably sit up and see it end, just so I can put it behind me.

Oh, don't worry.
My feelings aren't hurt at all.
It's not like I'm your daughter or anything.
Whatever.

I found a video of the group of us from last year. We were having so much fun and being really stupid. Watching you in it made me want to cry. You were so happy, we all were. The thought of you not coming back kills me inside a little bit.

You're a nice guy and my Mum really likes you.
But just know, if you ever do anything to fuck it up, I will rip shit and come down on you like a tonne of bricks and every other metaphor you can think of.
'kay?

Last year, the week before Christmas, I spent hiding at Aunty Liz's house. I was hiding from my family problems. I couldn't face them. I couldn't face anyone. So I fought back the tears and tried my hardest to kept up my strong front.

That was a year ago.

During that week I got told that it was alright to feel. It was alright to not be strong all the time. For the first time, I was able to just let it all out. I finally had people I could trust.

Ever since then, I've been a changed person. Not that scared girl. That quiet girl at the back of the room. That girl who tries to please everyone.

Ever since then, I've started to find out who I am.

A year ago, I wouldn't have thought that this is where I would be in my life.

Things are a lot different now, and that's good. Things are better, happier. So many good things have come out of what has happened. But with the good, comes the bad. That's part of it, I guess.

But looking back, there isn't much that I would change. I'm liking finding me. My mum is happy.

Things are good.
And we deserve it.

You know what's scary?

If it's true, the last time I saw you will be the last time I ever see you.
The last hug will be the last ever hug.
It's hard to get over.

I wish I had known how to say goodbye better.